I haven’t been blogging recently, and I know exactly why. My blog is funny because it’s about the humor in the everyday life of mothering. That’s a big part of why I started blogging, to focus on the funny side of things. But recently, I’ve been struggling to see the humor in my children, and instead have been seeing the messes, tantrums, whining and sibling rivalry. I feel like instead of becoming a better mother, I’m becoming the mother I never wanted to be; the impatient mom who is strung out and fussing at everybody all the time, yelling at the kids, sighing and glaring at their little kid screw-ups instead of taking it in stride.
Yes, the babies are becoming much easier to handle, and they are sleeping well at night (finally!!!). But Adrian is hitting terrible-three’s full force and getting harder to handle. And it’s always a big job taking care of a toddler and two babies (oh, and Stephen too!), and I think you can only be in survival mode for so long before it wears on you. Since the twins were born, I feel like I’ve only had time to put out fires. As soon as I get one screaming baby calmed down and asleep, the next baby wants to nurse while Adrian falls off a chair and bangs his head and Stephen needs help with his homework. You see how that scenario repeated all day long could be draining!
But please don’t think this is a pity-me post or a compliment-seeking post. I know I’m an ok mom, everyone has their moments, and things will continue getting easier as the babies get older. But I needed to write a thinking post. Because when I get overwhelmed and stuck-feeling, I have to take a step back from the crazy and evaluate. So right now I’m holed up in my room with the door locked, blogging while Daddy handles the chaos downstairs. I need to take a step out of survival mode and think about getting into thriving mode.
The main things bothering me:
1. The constant mess–ok, yes, I know, when you have little kids your house is messy, don’t let it bother you, I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep, etc. And believe me, my house cleaning standards have died a sad and horrible death since having twins. (As in, have the bathrooms been cleaned in the last month?) HOWEVER, I am not talking about a clean house, I’m just talking about livable. I’m just talking about I don’t want to be depressed as I’m taking care of babies because I look around at piles of junk all day long and I never have time to do anything about it.
We are in process with this one. My amazing mom helped us get the closets re-done so that we have room to put stuff, and I am getting things organized in the new closets (I am still frustrated by the snail’s pace of accomplishing anything with babies crawling around!). But I continue to realize that a big part of the problem is TOO MUCH STUFF. If we really have so much stuff that taking care of it overwhelms me, and reduces the boys to crying when tasked with picking up, then we have TOO MUCH STUFF. I will be tackling this problem in the weeks to come…get ready, Good Will….
2. I need more time for myself!–I go to the YMCA to work out a few times a week, which is great, but I still feel drained (and guilty of course for wanting more time to myself.) I’m finding this is a toughie. I didn’t realize how much I depended on that hour or so of naptime every afternoon to regenerate. I used to love naptime! But now we have naptimes plural, which stinks compared to naptime singular. In fact, someone (never me, of course) is almost always napping. (my aunt observed that it’s a cruel irony that I spend all day putting people down for naps but can’t nap myself)
In order to get naptime to myself, I have to get Adrian, Reid, and Will all down for a nap at the same time. Occasionally I get all 3 asleep together, but they don’t all start sleeping at the same time, so it only lasts for 10-15 minutes before someone wakes up again or Stephen gets home from school. I guess I’ll just have to keep working on this one, and take advantage of Eric being home to sneak away!
3. Over-touched–I remember hearing about this when I first became a mom, but it never made sense to me. Over touched? Moms can be “touched out” by their kids? As a person who normally loves snuggling and physical affection, this was hard for me to understand. But two nursing babies have made this a reality for me; strangely, I am developing an instinct to almost leap away whenever anyone tries to touch me. I feel bad to say it, but when Stephen or Adrian want a hug, I have to grit my teeth and push down my negative emotions to give them a hug. This has been challenging and distressing for me, and makes me sad, because I want to enjoy physical affection with my kids.
I am hoping that when I finish nursing the twins, that will help the situation. I also think this is a physical expression of needing more me-time.
Ok, I feel better now that I processed all that! Thanks for being my sounding-board, blog readers! I appreciate that you laugh when I’m funny, and support me even when I don’t entertain you.
Mommy time over, the babies are calling! Hopefully my next post will be me laughing over the absurdity of raising boys…